Change Your Perception!

How do you perceive your marriage? Yourself?  Your spouse? Do you say to yourself (or to others) "my marriage is never going to come out of this", "he/she will never change", "this is just who I am, I can’t change", "maybe I married the wrong person", "maybe I am the reason they cheated, I probably deserved it"? As of today, God wants you to STOP having those negative thoughts about yourself, your spouse and your marriage! The bible says "For as he thinks in his heart, so is he. (Proverbs 23:7a AMP)". See yourself, your spouse and your marriage how God sees you...full of greatness, a conqueror and free from bondage! He sees restoration for that marriage that dealt with adultery, He sees healing for those that are hurting, He sees your spouse saved, He sees abundance in your finances, He sees you loving one another unconditionally, He sees you becoming stronger after every test, He sees oneness in your marriage!

Don't have a grasshopper mentality! I love the story of Caleb (Numbers 13) when Moses sent him and 11 others to spy on the land of Canaan. After exploring the land for forty days, the other men only saw how big the people were (signifying the problems we face), therefore, they immediately perceived themselves as grasshoppers compared to those giants. They even assumed that’s how the people saw them, although no one ever said that. But Caleb never looked at how big the people (the problems) were; he remained focus on the promises that were given once they took over the land.

I've learned that you have to stay focused on God's promises. Problems, trials and tests will come, it's inevitable, but if you have the right perception, and see yourself/your marriage victorious, more than conquerors, you will be determined to push through your problems. Thinking negative only hinders you from your blessings. Today, claim your victory in Jesus Name! As my Pastor says "Change your stinkin' thinkin'!" Don’t look, think or feel defeated!

Pray daily (every chance your get) and ask Jesus to help you change your mindset. Whenever the negative thoughts enter your mind (and they will), combat them with positive thoughts – such as God’s promises. For me, I will immediately begin singing a praise or worship song to distract those thoughts. We must learn to fight back and not allow ourselves to be overtaken by our circumstances. When the enemy fights you…FIGHT BACK! Pray over your marriage, pray over your home, open your kitchen cabinets and claim that they will remain full all the days of your life (Romans 4:17 “calls into existence things that don't yet exist”), lay hands on your wallet, on your bed, wherever you need to…because we constantly try to fight this battle in the flesh but it’s a SPIRITUAL BATTLE! So use your spiritual weapon….PRAYER!!!

I pray that you will no longer see yourself or your marriage as one that is defeated, live in regret, or speak (or think) negatively. God can change your negative into a positive….if you let Him!

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"It's a Process"

Definition of Process:

1. - a progressively continuing operation or development marked by a series of gradual changes that succeed one another in a relatively fixed way and lead toward a particular result or end

2. - Progress;

Any time a marriage has been damaged, to achieve healing and restoration it requires going through a process. I would be telling a story if I told you that this “process” will be easy…because it’s not at all. Actually, it’s not suppose to be. Going through the process builds character while purging anything within you that does not glorify God or negatively affects your marriage. If we are truly determined to change, for the better, then we need to appreciate the process.

There are so many marriages that are hurting and on the brink of separation or divorce because they feel like all hope is gone. Let me revert back to my marriage…all hope was gone (in my opinion). But because of my husband’s continued prayer and determination to stand on God’s promises, my heart was changed. I was now in agreement with my husband on the future of our marriage based on what God had promised us. Know that it only takes one of you to continue praying, fighting (spiritually) and believing for a change to come by way of God changing the heart of your spouse to the point they are now willing to work on the marriage. I will always be grateful for how my husband never gave up on God or us. I remember him telling me that giving up was never an option, in spite of the hurt he endured during our separation.

FORGIVE

Whether you’re the husband or wife, the one that did the hurting or the one that was hurt, you have to be willing to forgive them and yourself…that’s the beginning of the process. My husband had to forgive me and I had to forgive myself. Even this first step of the process didn’t happen overnight, nor was it easy to achieve. He had to purpose to not throw things in face, and I had to purpose to not allow the devil to continually remind me of my wrongdoings. There was a lot of “battling of the mind” we both had to endure. There were times during this part of the process it felt too hard to get through. But once your vision is no longer cloudy, you become determined to fight the good fight of faith. (1 Timothy 6:12)

COMMUNICATE

I had to be willing to answer any questions my husband had…it didn’t matter how deep the question, I had to be honest with him. We had to have an open conversation that allowed us both to express how we felt. This was a very emotional, not so pretty conversation but it was part of the process. The healing was becoming more tangible, I could feel that we were progressing after we laid everything out on the table. It was a sign of relief from the hurt and the burden. I’m not saying it instantly removed those things but it felt better to not keep it all bottled up. We’ve learned that holding it all in is a sure recipe for an explosion! The key to this step is hearing from God on the appropriate time to have this intense session. When you sit down to talk, pray first, however, if you’re not at a point where the both of you can pray together, then pray alone and ask God to lead this conversation beforehand. But whatever you do, don’t ignore this much needed step of the process!

TRUST

This part of the process seems to be the hardest one of all. You overcame forgiveness and you communicated…but this step is greater than them both. In my experience, it takes the longest to get through. Expecting someone to instantly trust you after they’ve forgiven you is very unrealistic…it’s a process that you have to be determined to endure. I became frustrated because that was my expectation. I kept wondering when he was going to “get over this” and trust me again. The blessed part is he didn’t purposely make it hard for because he wanted to trust…he really did, but he was still healing and combating our past hurts. Once we both realized that we had come too far to stop trying, both of purposed to work on trust. For me, I had to do whatever it took to get him to trust me again. And for him, he had to not allow the past to void anything that I was telling him…he had to learn to trust God that whatever I told him I was doing or going was the truth. Notice I said he first had to trust GOD, not me. In trusting God, he believed in what God had promised him as it related to our marriage because GOD was the only one to propel us into our destiny as a couple. God had to also confirm in my husband’s spirit that I had sincerely repented and turned from sin. But he had to be open and willing to hear from God as it pertained to the change within me. My advice, don’t get upset and frustrated if your spouse is still unable to trust you, just continue doing what you know to do…don’t give up. And don’t become frustrated if you still are not able to completely trust your spouse…you are healing and healing takes time. There is no timeframe on when this part of the process will end. So hang in there – God will see you through this as well!

There are other steps to the process of healing and restoration; however, these are the main ones God released me to share at this time to encourage those that are currently struggling in their marriage. I want to leave you with this…WITH GOD ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE TO THEM THAT BELIEVE! (What do you mean, 'If I can'?" Jesus asked. "Anything is possible if a person believes." – Mark 9:23 NLT)

*We are living witnesses*

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Let Nothing Separate Your Marriage

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall become united and cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”

– Genesis 2:24 (Amplified)

The Bible states in Genesis 2:24 that we must leave our father and mother to become one with our spouse. This scripture confirms that the oneness is developed when we learn to leave those that we are familiar with…not to be taken in a negative aspect because our family and friends have been there for us numerous times, but we cannot allow those relationships to interfere, come before, or between our marital relationships.

Are you still emotionally and physically attached to relationships other than your marriage? Do majority of your arguments with your spouse consist of your parents, your friends or past relationships? Do you spend more time with people of these other relationships than you do with your spouse? Has your spouse expressed their dislike or discomfort of your relationship with this person or people?

If you were able to answer “yes” to any of the above questions, it’s time for you to reevaluate that particular relationship and think about how it’s hurting your marriage. Although it may not seem like a big deal to you, you have to respect how your spouse feels. Respecting one another’s views, opinions, feeling, and morals are very important. If your family/friends love you, as I’m sure they do, they should respect the fact that your marriage is now your first priority.

Maybe your struggle does not include relationships with your family or friends. It could be other things such as, hanging out too much or distracted with other things (like video games, tv or internet, etc) instead of spending time with your mate, conversing with those of the opposite sex on social networks, going to strip clubs, being selfish-only wanting things to go your way, the use or abuse of alcohol or drugs. Whatever the situation, your spouse has repeatedly expressed their concern and it’s causing problems in your marriage. No longer can we do those things or act the same way we did before we were married.

“Strip yourselves of your former nature [put off and discard your old unrenewed self] which characterized your previous manner of life and becomes corrupt through lusts and desires that spring from delusion; And be constantly renewed in the spirit of your mind [having a fresh mental and spiritual attitude], And put on the new nature (the regenerate self) created in God’s image, [Godlike] in true righteousness and holiness.” –Ephesians 4:22-24 (Amplified)

Know that God has given you the power to overcome anything that you choose to overcome: “Behold! I have given you authority and power to trample upon serpents and scorpions, and [physical and mental strength and ability] over all the power that the enemy [possesses]; and nothing shall in any way harm you” - Luke 10:19 (Amplified)

Marriage is its self is hard work, let alone striving to become one. But we can’t give up or throw in the towel on the covenant (commitment) you made to God and to your spouse just because things get hard. Remember, marriage is the uniting of two different individuals. Therefore, it may not feel good giving up those things you were used to doing, because when you decided to marry your spouse (and prayerfully you’ve given your life back to Christ)your life is no longer your own.  Don’t change your old ways/habits because your spouse continually nags you, but have the desire to change whatever is hindering your marriage from moving towards oneness, whether it’s your unwillingness to “cut the cord” from other relationships or change your habits that don’t strengthen or bring joy to your marriage. The change must first take place in your heart.

Speaking of nagging, know that it doesn’t do a situation any justice to constantly nag your spouse. Your constant gripping only drives them away and causes them to put up a wall in which they can no longer hear your plea for them to stop or change. The possibility of them receiving what you are saying dwindles and they become defensive. So if you’ve been nagging them….STOP! Instead, pray and ask God to change their ways, BELIEVE that change will come and WAIT PATIENTLY. This is you saying that you’ve realized there’s nothing you can do (or say) that will bring about change, so you’re giving it all to God.

“Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.” –     1 Peter 5:7 (New Living Translation)

We must purpose to not allow anyone or anything separate, destroy or tarnish our marriage. I pray that you will be more determined to stay married than you were determined to get married.

Repent and ask God to forgive you for putting things or people before your marriage. Then ask your spouse to forgive you and reassure them that this will no longer be an issue - that you are ready to let those relationships (or things) go.

Now purpose to be determined – because giving up is not an option.

Striving for Oneness…God’s plan for your marriage.

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