"It's a Process"

Definition of Process:

1. - a progressively continuing operation or development marked by a series of gradual changes that succeed one another in a relatively fixed way and lead toward a particular result or end

2. - Progress;

Any time a marriage has been damaged, to achieve healing and restoration it requires going through a process. I would be telling a story if I told you that this “process” will be easy…because it’s not at all. Actually, it’s not suppose to be. Going through the process builds character while purging anything within you that does not glorify God or negatively affects your marriage. If we are truly determined to change, for the better, then we need to appreciate the process.

There are so many marriages that are hurting and on the brink of separation or divorce because they feel like all hope is gone. Let me revert back to my marriage…all hope was gone (in my opinion). But because of my husband’s continued prayer and determination to stand on God’s promises, my heart was changed. I was now in agreement with my husband on the future of our marriage based on what God had promised us. Know that it only takes one of you to continue praying, fighting (spiritually) and believing for a change to come by way of God changing the heart of your spouse to the point they are now willing to work on the marriage. I will always be grateful for how my husband never gave up on God or us. I remember him telling me that giving up was never an option, in spite of the hurt he endured during our separation.

FORGIVE

Whether you’re the husband or wife, the one that did the hurting or the one that was hurt, you have to be willing to forgive them and yourself…that’s the beginning of the process. My husband had to forgive me and I had to forgive myself. Even this first step of the process didn’t happen overnight, nor was it easy to achieve. He had to purpose to not throw things in face, and I had to purpose to not allow the devil to continually remind me of my wrongdoings. There was a lot of “battling of the mind” we both had to endure. There were times during this part of the process it felt too hard to get through. But once your vision is no longer cloudy, you become determined to fight the good fight of faith. (1 Timothy 6:12)

COMMUNICATE

I had to be willing to answer any questions my husband had…it didn’t matter how deep the question, I had to be honest with him. We had to have an open conversation that allowed us both to express how we felt. This was a very emotional, not so pretty conversation but it was part of the process. The healing was becoming more tangible, I could feel that we were progressing after we laid everything out on the table. It was a sign of relief from the hurt and the burden. I’m not saying it instantly removed those things but it felt better to not keep it all bottled up. We’ve learned that holding it all in is a sure recipe for an explosion! The key to this step is hearing from God on the appropriate time to have this intense session. When you sit down to talk, pray first, however, if you’re not at a point where the both of you can pray together, then pray alone and ask God to lead this conversation beforehand. But whatever you do, don’t ignore this much needed step of the process!

TRUST

This part of the process seems to be the hardest one of all. You overcame forgiveness and you communicated…but this step is greater than them both. In my experience, it takes the longest to get through. Expecting someone to instantly trust you after they’ve forgiven you is very unrealistic…it’s a process that you have to be determined to endure. I became frustrated because that was my expectation. I kept wondering when he was going to “get over this” and trust me again. The blessed part is he didn’t purposely make it hard for because he wanted to trust…he really did, but he was still healing and combating our past hurts. Once we both realized that we had come too far to stop trying, both of purposed to work on trust. For me, I had to do whatever it took to get him to trust me again. And for him, he had to not allow the past to void anything that I was telling him…he had to learn to trust God that whatever I told him I was doing or going was the truth. Notice I said he first had to trust GOD, not me. In trusting God, he believed in what God had promised him as it related to our marriage because GOD was the only one to propel us into our destiny as a couple. God had to also confirm in my husband’s spirit that I had sincerely repented and turned from sin. But he had to be open and willing to hear from God as it pertained to the change within me. My advice, don’t get upset and frustrated if your spouse is still unable to trust you, just continue doing what you know to do…don’t give up. And don’t become frustrated if you still are not able to completely trust your spouse…you are healing and healing takes time. There is no timeframe on when this part of the process will end. So hang in there – God will see you through this as well!

There are other steps to the process of healing and restoration; however, these are the main ones God released me to share at this time to encourage those that are currently struggling in their marriage. I want to leave you with this…WITH GOD ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE TO THEM THAT BELIEVE! (What do you mean, 'If I can'?" Jesus asked. "Anything is possible if a person believes." – Mark 9:23 NLT)

*We are living witnesses*

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