Who Are You Listening To?

Don’t listen to what everyone else says about your marriage; listen to what God says. Too often we seek the opinions of others in order to get a better understanding of what we should do in a particular situation. And even if what they say is contrary to the Word of God as it pertains to our issue(s), their words have an impact on our decision making. It now leaves us confused as to what we should do because on one shoulder (figuratively speaking), we hear “don’t stay in this mess, you deserve better. Just leave…you should be happy. They don’t understand you; they don’t know how to treat you. You can find someone better”, and on the other side you hear “but God hates divorce and besides, I’m not being physically abused, we’re just going through some things right now. God can restore this, if we choose to allow Him. Hang in there, it will get better…just be determined and not give up. God will change our hearts; He can show us how to love one another again.” But because we’re hearing from both sides, we really become torn and unsure as to what we should do.

My friend, seek God, and He alone, will give you the answer by confirming what He has been telling you all of this time through the Holy Spirit. The response you’ve been hearing, the one that did not sound selfish, the one that has been telling you God CAN restore this...that is the still small voice of the Holy Spirit, telling you to not give up. Know that God is not the author of confusion…that would be the enemy and one of his many tricks to tear your marriage apart. Remember, he HATES marriage, especially Christian marriages, and that stems all the way back to Adam and Eve. Don’t allow him to get into your mind and cause it to play tricks on you! The devil has already been defeated; therefore, he has no business trespassing in your marriage!

You’re not confused. You’re not crazy. You know what God has instructed you to do. No, it’s not going to be easy…neither was Jesus dying on the cross for you, but He knew He had to do it in order to save you. So it is in your marriage. Get up, pick up your cross, bare it, and watch how through your obedience, God will restore everything that the enemy came to destroy. He will give you the wisdom, the strength and the determination to make it to the finish line…WITH YOUR SPOUSE! He will equip both of you to do whatever He instructs you to do in order to save your marriage. In the meantime, try not to become frustrated with one another, with yourself, or with God.

I know what you’re thinking…”Kianna, it’s easier said than done!” Don’t I know!!! Something else I know without a shadow of a doubt…it can be done! It’s possible…THROUGH JESUS CHRIST! Without Him, we would have lost our minds. Without Him, we would be divorced and God would not have been able to use us to encourage others! And now because of Him, we’ve been married for 13 years (that’s a HUGE milestone for us when you look at where we were headed). Because of Him, my husband and I love each other like never before. Because of Him, we continue to honor our covenant that we made to God and to one another. Listen, God doesn’t lie…He WILL RESTORE IT! But He needs you to trust Him and believe what He says, no matter the circumstance!

Be encouraged my brother, my sister! God’s FAITHFUL!

With Love,

Kianna

Striving for Oneness

 

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Stay Alert; You Aren't Exempt!

Never think that YOU are not capable of having an affair. Under the right (technically wrong) circumstances, the devil will tempt you by using someone to fulfill the current void in your marriage. 

I use to be the main one that DESPISED people who cheated on their spouses...I thought it was the worse thing ever!! I hated it so much that I felt sick to my stomach whenever I heard that it happened to people I knew. I would always say to myself "How could people do that? I would NEVER do that to my husband!" But let me tell you...as soon as the void in my marriage became so overwhelming, the enemy sent the right person my way to provide this fantasy for me. 

My experience was devastating to myself, my husband and it almost destroyed my marriage. But what I realized is to never let your guard down and think you are exempt from falling into sin, or a certain temptation, even if it's the sin that you swore you would never partake in. I became the very person I had despised for so many years. Once God delivered me from the sin...I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. I was ashamed of myself. How could I allow myself to fall like that? How did I allow my marriage to get to the point where there was such a huge whole of emptiness? Why didn't I see this (temptation) coming? I had to repent for all of the times I judged those who fell into the same sin as I did. God had to teach me that not resolving an issue in your marriage only leads down one road....destruction. 

I couldn't blame my husband...I had to take responsibility. Yes, there was a void because my needs weren't being met, but I wasn't even taking the initiative to meet my husband's needs. So I can't blame him for not doing his part because I wasn't doing mine. Instead, we both remained in our selfish ways, which made things worse. We would seek counseling from our Pastors (at the time) and other experienced couples, but it was like their advice went in one ear and out of the other because once we were alone, our old ways would quickly resurface. If only ONE of us would have really matured and became serious about our marriage, that would have been a HUGE step towards fixing it before separation (or divorce) became the best option.  I didn't mature because I was so concerned with my needs not being met. But because separating was my suggestion, I take full responsibility for giving the enemy a door to just walk right into. 

The point in all of this is to forewarn you to never let your guard down and trust in yourself. But always be on alert and stay rooted in God so that your flesh will never rule your spirit or your soul. Although this is now our past, my husband and both know to be very mindful of all of the subtle AND obvious tricks of the enemy. We know that befriending (or rekindling friendships) with people of the opposite sex, is not safe. But more importantly, leaving things unresolved and not communicating effectively, and sharing our needs to one another so that we can purpose to meet them....is even more dangerous. 

We don't have time or tolerance for anymore drama or deceit in our marriage. We have both declared to leave ALL of the past in the past (no matter the depth) and move forward towards oneness. We pray that you too will never tolerate any distractions in your marriage. Remember, once you take your eyes off of God and no longer stand for His purpose in your marriage is when you are susceptible to fall for anything!! 

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Same Old Tricks

The devil knows your likes and dislikes. He knows which area or areas you're weak in. He knows what and who to use for your demise. He's mastered how to lure you into temptation and successfully entice you to do the things you know are against God's will.

 "But every person is tempted when he is drawn away, enticed and baited by his own evil desire (lust, passions).  Then the evil desire, when it has conceived, gives birth to sin, and sin, when it is fully matured, brings forth death." (James 1:14-15 AMP)

Take a moment to really think about it. When you look back, you'll realize that he uses the same old tricks against you. He doesn't make it obvious...and why would he. In Genesis 3:1a (AMP), we read that the devil is very subtle in his tactics..."Now the serpent was more subtle and crafty than any living creature of the field which the Lord God had made". Therefore, because he is crafty, he wouldn’t "reinvent the wheel"; if the same tricks have been proven to work.

Let me give you an example (know that the example used may not be your weakness, however, this blog applies to anything the enemy can use against us).

EXAMPLE: If you struggled with lust before you were married, he's going to use that in your marriage. He's going to bring the "right" person (so you think they are) around you, and they’re going to say the "right" things (that satisfy your flesh).

The bible instructs us to be on alert:

"Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour". (1 Peter 5:8 NLT)

If you are not diligently staying alert, you allow him to devour you by falling right into his trap...(again), but this time, you're married. Why, because he made it look so tempting that it becomes hard for you to resist. So he then plays with your mind. You start thinking...maybe I married the wrong person, this (new) person has to be my real "soul mate, or spiritual wife/husband", because they do and say the things that my spouse doesn't. At this point you begin to magnify all the wrongs in your marriage, as it relates to your spouse. Then you begin to justify your feelings towards this other person. Now that you've convinced yourself that how you feel is right, you entertain thoughts of how your life would be with them. You now take their compliments to heart, partake in subtle flirting, exchange phone numbers, and accept invitations to lunch. And before you know it, you've engaged in physical contact; be it a hug, kiss, or worse, intercourse.

Once you've stepped across those lines, an emotional bond is created between you and this person, whom you feel is a dream come true, or better yet, heaven sent. Now you're getting deeper and deeper in a relationship with someone you're not married to. As a Christian, you've then entered a carnal state of mind.

"[That is] because the mind of the flesh [with its carnal thoughts and purposes] is hostile to God, for it does not submit itself to God’s Law; indeed it cannot.  So then those who are living the life of the flesh [catering to the appetites and impulses of their carnal nature] cannot please or satisfy God, or be acceptable to Him". (Romans 8:7, 8 AMP)

You are catering to your flesh; driven by your emotions. You justify your feelings and actions, even though they are against God's will; therefore, it displeases Him. At this point, it's becomes very difficult for anyone to talk you back to your "spiritual' sense (spirit minded). A carnal mindset will cause you to get so far away from God, that you no longer pray to Him, hear His gentle voice, or reverence Him. Basically, you're doing your own thing.

The devil will have you lying to your spouse/family. You hide things that pertain to this adulterated affair; like deleting their text messages and emails. You tell your spouse you're going one place, when you know you're really going to meet up with the other person. One sin leads to another. Your life is now a lie! There's no more peace in your mind, in your marriage, in your home, in your finances, or on your job...all hell has broken loose in your life. And why is that? Because the enemy knew that you still (secretly) struggled with lust. Before you decided to get married, you never really dealt with the problem. You "thought" you were delivered from it, when in all actuality; you put your "bondage of lust" in the closet with all your other skeletons. So here it is, the enemy is once again using the same old tricks on you.

But you CAN overcome this! You must overcome it to save your relationship with God AND your spouse! You have to learn to refrain from allowing yourself to fall for the tricks of the enemy (over and over again)! No longer should you be bound by those things you have yet to really and truly ask God to deliver you from!

Rejoice in knowing that it's never too late to get up, dust yourself off...and REPENT!

"If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is by believing in your heart that you are made right with God, and it is by confessing with your mouth that you are saved". (Romans 10:9-10 NLT)

"Because all people have sinned, they have fallen short of God’s glory". (Romans 3:23 GWT); "God is faithful and reliable. If we confess our sins, He forgives them and cleanses us from everything we’ve done wrong". (1 John 1:9 GWT); "So change the way you think and act, and turn to God to have your sins removed". (Acts 3:19 GWT)

I earnestly pray for those that are currently living in a carnal mindset (and also may be reading this blog)...I pray that God will deliver you right where you are (in your current state of mind)! I pray that you will turn from your ways and get realigned with God's will for your life (and your marriage). REPENT AND TURN from your sins. Stay in GOD'S WORD. Continually PRAY. Then STAY ALERT! And learn to recognize the enemy whenever he "tries" to use the same old tricks against you.

"So be subject to God. Resist the devil [stand firm against him], and he will flee from you". (James 4:7 AMP)

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To Be Honest, Nothing's Changed!

I remember when my husband and I had to sleep on a twin bed during the first few years of our marriage. And because the bed was so small, we had to sleep holding each other. God definitely has a sense of humor because we had to sleep like this even when we went to bed mad. Ok, so that was back in 1999. Now here it is, 2012, and we've since then elevated to a king-size bed. You would think that now we have all the space needed to stretch out, but we still find ourselves sleeping in that same position...in a small section of this enormaous bed. We can't help it, it's familiar to us. One night, as we held each other as usual, God revealed to me that in all honesty, nothing has changed. Yes, our circumstances have changed, as we went from a twin bed to a king, but WE haven't changed. We still sleep as if we were in a twin bed. After all these years and all we've been through, we still hold each other at night, in the same position. Just like we did back then...in the beginning.

Listen, that person you fell in love with and wanted to marry....well they're still the same person...that fact will never change. Your circumstances may change but through all the ups and downs, ins and outs, they are still the same man/woman who made you laugh, who you could share anything with, or couldn't wait to see or talk to. Don't allow what's going on in your marriage cause you to forget where the two of you came from...how it all started. There was once love, passion for one another, agreement, determination to make things work (no matter what)...think back to those moments, those familiar feelings. It's not too late. Search your heart, dig through all the mess, put aside the hurt and find ways to rekindle what has been lost. You can still love your spouse as you did once before.

As you read this, you may be saying to yourself, things have changed. They've hurt me, they don't look at me the same, I'm not in love with them anymore, we have kids so there's no time for one another, we are struggling financially, I've cheated, they've cheated, I've had enough, we've done so much wrong to one another it can't be fixed. Those are all real situations but they come to tear you apart. The devil will try to do anything that we will allow him to do to destroy our marriage. When we finally realize that our spouse is still the person we fell in love with and married, we discover that it's not them making these mistakes that cause (or caused) so much pain and division but it's the enemy using them. You then get the revelation that this is a spiritual battle oppose to a physical battle against you and your spouse. The devil is your enemy, not them.

One day, a book will be published that will share our story in its' entirety, but for now, let's fast forward, 13 years later. We've been through lies, cutting each other with our words, cheating, arguing, having our own agendas, telling each other we're not "in-love" anymore, wishing we weren't married, living as roommates, a miscarriage, having nothing financially, living with family members, to reuniting from separating for almost a year. And that's just the watered down version of our struggles. I tell you all of this to show you that, we too, have been through things and allowed them to obstruct our vision of why we fell in love with each other in the first place. 

As I've shared previously in other blogs, it hasn't been easy getting through all of the past pains, but we have made it a joint determination to strive for oneness. In a sense, it's like we've decided to start all over, using those familair feelings as a foundation. Of course in the beginning thoughts of the pass tried to hinder us. But once we made up in our mind to not let anything else come between us, we learned to combat those thoughts. We can see clearer now. I see the guy I feel in love with back in 1998 (and vice versa). Yes, our circumstances changed throughout the years but what hasn't changed is he's still that guy...my baby!

Another thing that hasn't changed....God! He is (and has been) the same yesterday, today and forever. If He did it before, He will do it again. I know He's brought you out of many situations...this one is no different. He can restore your marriage, your feelings for your spouse, and allow you to forgive. He's waiting for you to allow Him to have His way. Open your heart to Him. Seek Him in prayer. It's in the secret place that He will reveal things you've never seen or heard before. But you must be willing to hear from Him and then obey His instructions which may not always "feel" good to you. Don't just obey Him in the things that's convenient for you. Die to your flesh so that you're not leaning on your own understanding. Focus on what God wants you to do. When you're willing to adjust your life to fit His Word, there's nothing that God won't do for you.

Believe!
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Change Your Perception!

How do you perceive your marriage? Yourself?  Your spouse? Do you say to yourself (or to others) "my marriage is never going to come out of this", "he/she will never change", "this is just who I am, I can’t change", "maybe I married the wrong person", "maybe I am the reason they cheated, I probably deserved it"? As of today, God wants you to STOP having those negative thoughts about yourself, your spouse and your marriage! The bible says "For as he thinks in his heart, so is he. (Proverbs 23:7a AMP)". See yourself, your spouse and your marriage how God sees you...full of greatness, a conqueror and free from bondage! He sees restoration for that marriage that dealt with adultery, He sees healing for those that are hurting, He sees your spouse saved, He sees abundance in your finances, He sees you loving one another unconditionally, He sees you becoming stronger after every test, He sees oneness in your marriage!

Don't have a grasshopper mentality! I love the story of Caleb (Numbers 13) when Moses sent him and 11 others to spy on the land of Canaan. After exploring the land for forty days, the other men only saw how big the people were (signifying the problems we face), therefore, they immediately perceived themselves as grasshoppers compared to those giants. They even assumed that’s how the people saw them, although no one ever said that. But Caleb never looked at how big the people (the problems) were; he remained focus on the promises that were given once they took over the land.

I've learned that you have to stay focused on God's promises. Problems, trials and tests will come, it's inevitable, but if you have the right perception, and see yourself/your marriage victorious, more than conquerors, you will be determined to push through your problems. Thinking negative only hinders you from your blessings. Today, claim your victory in Jesus Name! As my Pastor says "Change your stinkin' thinkin'!" Don’t look, think or feel defeated!

Pray daily (every chance your get) and ask Jesus to help you change your mindset. Whenever the negative thoughts enter your mind (and they will), combat them with positive thoughts – such as God’s promises. For me, I will immediately begin singing a praise or worship song to distract those thoughts. We must learn to fight back and not allow ourselves to be overtaken by our circumstances. When the enemy fights you…FIGHT BACK! Pray over your marriage, pray over your home, open your kitchen cabinets and claim that they will remain full all the days of your life (Romans 4:17 “calls into existence things that don't yet exist”), lay hands on your wallet, on your bed, wherever you need to…because we constantly try to fight this battle in the flesh but it’s a SPIRITUAL BATTLE! So use your spiritual weapon….PRAYER!!!

I pray that you will no longer see yourself or your marriage as one that is defeated, live in regret, or speak (or think) negatively. God can change your negative into a positive….if you let Him!

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"It's a Process"

Definition of Process:

1. - a progressively continuing operation or development marked by a series of gradual changes that succeed one another in a relatively fixed way and lead toward a particular result or end

2. - Progress;

Any time a marriage has been damaged, to achieve healing and restoration it requires going through a process. I would be telling a story if I told you that this “process” will be easy…because it’s not at all. Actually, it’s not suppose to be. Going through the process builds character while purging anything within you that does not glorify God or negatively affects your marriage. If we are truly determined to change, for the better, then we need to appreciate the process.

There are so many marriages that are hurting and on the brink of separation or divorce because they feel like all hope is gone. Let me revert back to my marriage…all hope was gone (in my opinion). But because of my husband’s continued prayer and determination to stand on God’s promises, my heart was changed. I was now in agreement with my husband on the future of our marriage based on what God had promised us. Know that it only takes one of you to continue praying, fighting (spiritually) and believing for a change to come by way of God changing the heart of your spouse to the point they are now willing to work on the marriage. I will always be grateful for how my husband never gave up on God or us. I remember him telling me that giving up was never an option, in spite of the hurt he endured during our separation.

FORGIVE

Whether you’re the husband or wife, the one that did the hurting or the one that was hurt, you have to be willing to forgive them and yourself…that’s the beginning of the process. My husband had to forgive me and I had to forgive myself. Even this first step of the process didn’t happen overnight, nor was it easy to achieve. He had to purpose to not throw things in face, and I had to purpose to not allow the devil to continually remind me of my wrongdoings. There was a lot of “battling of the mind” we both had to endure. There were times during this part of the process it felt too hard to get through. But once your vision is no longer cloudy, you become determined to fight the good fight of faith. (1 Timothy 6:12)

COMMUNICATE

I had to be willing to answer any questions my husband had…it didn’t matter how deep the question, I had to be honest with him. We had to have an open conversation that allowed us both to express how we felt. This was a very emotional, not so pretty conversation but it was part of the process. The healing was becoming more tangible, I could feel that we were progressing after we laid everything out on the table. It was a sign of relief from the hurt and the burden. I’m not saying it instantly removed those things but it felt better to not keep it all bottled up. We’ve learned that holding it all in is a sure recipe for an explosion! The key to this step is hearing from God on the appropriate time to have this intense session. When you sit down to talk, pray first, however, if you’re not at a point where the both of you can pray together, then pray alone and ask God to lead this conversation beforehand. But whatever you do, don’t ignore this much needed step of the process!

TRUST

This part of the process seems to be the hardest one of all. You overcame forgiveness and you communicated…but this step is greater than them both. In my experience, it takes the longest to get through. Expecting someone to instantly trust you after they’ve forgiven you is very unrealistic…it’s a process that you have to be determined to endure. I became frustrated because that was my expectation. I kept wondering when he was going to “get over this” and trust me again. The blessed part is he didn’t purposely make it hard for because he wanted to trust…he really did, but he was still healing and combating our past hurts. Once we both realized that we had come too far to stop trying, both of purposed to work on trust. For me, I had to do whatever it took to get him to trust me again. And for him, he had to not allow the past to void anything that I was telling him…he had to learn to trust God that whatever I told him I was doing or going was the truth. Notice I said he first had to trust GOD, not me. In trusting God, he believed in what God had promised him as it related to our marriage because GOD was the only one to propel us into our destiny as a couple. God had to also confirm in my husband’s spirit that I had sincerely repented and turned from sin. But he had to be open and willing to hear from God as it pertained to the change within me. My advice, don’t get upset and frustrated if your spouse is still unable to trust you, just continue doing what you know to do…don’t give up. And don’t become frustrated if you still are not able to completely trust your spouse…you are healing and healing takes time. There is no timeframe on when this part of the process will end. So hang in there – God will see you through this as well!

There are other steps to the process of healing and restoration; however, these are the main ones God released me to share at this time to encourage those that are currently struggling in their marriage. I want to leave you with this…WITH GOD ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE TO THEM THAT BELIEVE! (What do you mean, 'If I can'?" Jesus asked. "Anything is possible if a person believes." – Mark 9:23 NLT)

*We are living witnesses*

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Let Nothing Separate Your Marriage

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall become united and cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”

– Genesis 2:24 (Amplified)

The Bible states in Genesis 2:24 that we must leave our father and mother to become one with our spouse. This scripture confirms that the oneness is developed when we learn to leave those that we are familiar with…not to be taken in a negative aspect because our family and friends have been there for us numerous times, but we cannot allow those relationships to interfere, come before, or between our marital relationships.

Are you still emotionally and physically attached to relationships other than your marriage? Do majority of your arguments with your spouse consist of your parents, your friends or past relationships? Do you spend more time with people of these other relationships than you do with your spouse? Has your spouse expressed their dislike or discomfort of your relationship with this person or people?

If you were able to answer “yes” to any of the above questions, it’s time for you to reevaluate that particular relationship and think about how it’s hurting your marriage. Although it may not seem like a big deal to you, you have to respect how your spouse feels. Respecting one another’s views, opinions, feeling, and morals are very important. If your family/friends love you, as I’m sure they do, they should respect the fact that your marriage is now your first priority.

Maybe your struggle does not include relationships with your family or friends. It could be other things such as, hanging out too much or distracted with other things (like video games, tv or internet, etc) instead of spending time with your mate, conversing with those of the opposite sex on social networks, going to strip clubs, being selfish-only wanting things to go your way, the use or abuse of alcohol or drugs. Whatever the situation, your spouse has repeatedly expressed their concern and it’s causing problems in your marriage. No longer can we do those things or act the same way we did before we were married.

“Strip yourselves of your former nature [put off and discard your old unrenewed self] which characterized your previous manner of life and becomes corrupt through lusts and desires that spring from delusion; And be constantly renewed in the spirit of your mind [having a fresh mental and spiritual attitude], And put on the new nature (the regenerate self) created in God’s image, [Godlike] in true righteousness and holiness.” –Ephesians 4:22-24 (Amplified)

Know that God has given you the power to overcome anything that you choose to overcome: “Behold! I have given you authority and power to trample upon serpents and scorpions, and [physical and mental strength and ability] over all the power that the enemy [possesses]; and nothing shall in any way harm you” - Luke 10:19 (Amplified)

Marriage is its self is hard work, let alone striving to become one. But we can’t give up or throw in the towel on the covenant (commitment) you made to God and to your spouse just because things get hard. Remember, marriage is the uniting of two different individuals. Therefore, it may not feel good giving up those things you were used to doing, because when you decided to marry your spouse (and prayerfully you’ve given your life back to Christ)your life is no longer your own.  Don’t change your old ways/habits because your spouse continually nags you, but have the desire to change whatever is hindering your marriage from moving towards oneness, whether it’s your unwillingness to “cut the cord” from other relationships or change your habits that don’t strengthen or bring joy to your marriage. The change must first take place in your heart.

Speaking of nagging, know that it doesn’t do a situation any justice to constantly nag your spouse. Your constant gripping only drives them away and causes them to put up a wall in which they can no longer hear your plea for them to stop or change. The possibility of them receiving what you are saying dwindles and they become defensive. So if you’ve been nagging them….STOP! Instead, pray and ask God to change their ways, BELIEVE that change will come and WAIT PATIENTLY. This is you saying that you’ve realized there’s nothing you can do (or say) that will bring about change, so you’re giving it all to God.

“Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.” –     1 Peter 5:7 (New Living Translation)

We must purpose to not allow anyone or anything separate, destroy or tarnish our marriage. I pray that you will be more determined to stay married than you were determined to get married.

Repent and ask God to forgive you for putting things or people before your marriage. Then ask your spouse to forgive you and reassure them that this will no longer be an issue - that you are ready to let those relationships (or things) go.

Now purpose to be determined – because giving up is not an option.

Striving for Oneness…God’s plan for your marriage.

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Abortion...Giving up prematurely

I pray that the transparency will help those that are in a season of contemplating aborting their marriage.

During the six months of separation, my husband and I lived in different states. For me, it was like having an opportunity to find myself again and to get rid of this relationship that I did not want anymore. For my husband, it was torture. He was at a very low point in his life. And during that time of solitude, God dealt with him on the past, the present and the future. As he began to seek God for himself, and reading God’s word, he was able to listen to God’s voice. The more he sought God, the more he allowed God to change his inner man. He had repented for all the wrong that he had done during our marriage. He asked God for another chance to make our marriage right and to bring his family back together again. There were many instances where he had to rebuke the devil because the people around him kept encouraging him to give up on his marriage. But my husband knew what God had promised him – to restore our marriage and our family.

Now because I was not around my husband during these times, I didn’t realize the change that was taking place within him. On top of the negativity that was around him, I rebuked every proposal he made for us to get back together. Nothing he said could change how I was feeling. My mission was to get a divorce. Eventually, I began to tune out all of the distractions that were in my life at that time and ask God what His plans were for my life and for my family. Every time I would hear God’s voice, I overrode whatever He was telling me with how I was feeling. I always had a “but God…”. 

One evening as I parked my car, God broke me down, I started to weep. I didn’t know or understand why, but I couldn’t stop. I could hear God telling me that my husband was the man He has ordained for my life. That He was going to make my husband into the man that I “needed” not just the man I “wanted”. What that meant was God was telling me that the man I had been wanting my husband to be wasn’t enough. He was going to make my husband into the man I NEEDED him to be. At that time, I really didn’t know what I needed but God did. The wants I had was nothing compared to the type of husband I needed. The needs that God was equipping him with would help me to become a better woman, wife and mother. But God told me there was one condition…I could not abort my marriage.

I looked up the definition of abort – it means to carry out or undergo the abortion of something. Then I looked up abortion – it means a failure to develop to completion or maturity. So in order for me to receive the promise God made to me about my husband, I could not give up on my marriage prematurely – I needed to give it more time to develop to completion and mature! This was beyond powerful to me!

Our separation was during our seventh year of marriage – we just celebrated our thirteenth year of marriage! God WILL restore and heal your marriage as long as you don’t have an abortion. We can’t put a time limit on God, but we do know if He said it, then He will do it. Stand on His word and His promise for your marriage. Don’t let the world or other people in your life dictate what you should do about YOUR marriage. Only God has the answer for you. Seek Him first about everything. If there is hurt in your marriage, then ask God for healing – whatever it is His name is above it! There is nothing too hard for God, even when you think there’s no hope. Take your eyes off of man and keep them on God. God will do just what He says He will do – He will fulfill every promise to you!

Where would my family be today had we aborted our marriage prematurely? The destiny of others are connected to your marriage. You have to realize there is a bigger picture besides you and your husband. My marriage almost ended based on emotions – how I felt. I allowed my flesh and soul to overpower my spirit – therefore, I wasn’t being spirit-led. My decisions were being led by my flesh and my soul (my emotions). Don’t let your emotions dictate your future – be Spirit filled and Spirit-led. God will never steer you wrong.

Are you contemplating divorce? What has God said to you about your marriage? Spend private time with God and ask Him for wisdom and guidance and don’t move until He instructs you. Our own will causes us to abort prematurely. Have you allowed your marriage to develop to completion or maturity? A marriage can survive through anything; it just depends on your willingness to fight for it! Don’t have an abortion!

Praying For A Change

Remember that “the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but mighty before God to the casting down of strongholds”
~ 2 Corinthians 10:4 (ASV)  

Wives, don’t constantly nag and complain about the area(s) in which your husband lacks. Husbands, don’t shut down when you become frustrated about the areas in which your wife lacks.

Instead, pray for YOURSELF and THEN pray for your SPOUSE. First, ask God to change everything in YOU that does not bring glory to His Name and does not benefit your marriage. Too often, we go to God complaining about our spouse, when most of the time there are things that need to be changed within ourselves as well.  Granted, I am in no way encouraging you to NOT pray for your spouse. I am encouraging you to pray about your spouse AND YOURSELF as it relates to seeing a change in your marriage.

Know that prayer CHANGES THINGS! The Bible informs us that some things (strongholds) require a spiritual sacrifice such as fasting (Matthew 17:21). Seek God and listen to His instructions for your marriage…then OBEY what He has instructed you to do, and do it with no hesitation. 

We must do something we’ve never done before in order to receive something we’ve never had or experienced before.

I pray that your marriage will be strengthened as you seek Him for direction!

~Striving for Oneness~

Becoming Your Spouse's Better Half - Book Excerpt

Becoming Your Spouse's Better Half - Book Excerpt


After reading the excerpt of this book, I am certainly going to make this my next read.


We seldomly focus on changing "ourselves" because we are so consumed of all the things we don't like about our "spouse". Pray and ask God to change the things within you that should be changed to better your marriage. Then most importantly, PURPOSE to allow those changes to take place.


Please join me in reading this book!


~Striving For Oneness~