Change Your Perception!

How do you perceive your marriage? Yourself?  Your spouse? Do you say to yourself (or to others) "my marriage is never going to come out of this", "he/she will never change", "this is just who I am, I can’t change", "maybe I married the wrong person", "maybe I am the reason they cheated, I probably deserved it"? As of today, God wants you to STOP having those negative thoughts about yourself, your spouse and your marriage! The bible says "For as he thinks in his heart, so is he. (Proverbs 23:7a AMP)". See yourself, your spouse and your marriage how God sees you...full of greatness, a conqueror and free from bondage! He sees restoration for that marriage that dealt with adultery, He sees healing for those that are hurting, He sees your spouse saved, He sees abundance in your finances, He sees you loving one another unconditionally, He sees you becoming stronger after every test, He sees oneness in your marriage!

Don't have a grasshopper mentality! I love the story of Caleb (Numbers 13) when Moses sent him and 11 others to spy on the land of Canaan. After exploring the land for forty days, the other men only saw how big the people were (signifying the problems we face), therefore, they immediately perceived themselves as grasshoppers compared to those giants. They even assumed that’s how the people saw them, although no one ever said that. But Caleb never looked at how big the people (the problems) were; he remained focus on the promises that were given once they took over the land.

I've learned that you have to stay focused on God's promises. Problems, trials and tests will come, it's inevitable, but if you have the right perception, and see yourself/your marriage victorious, more than conquerors, you will be determined to push through your problems. Thinking negative only hinders you from your blessings. Today, claim your victory in Jesus Name! As my Pastor says "Change your stinkin' thinkin'!" Don’t look, think or feel defeated!

Pray daily (every chance your get) and ask Jesus to help you change your mindset. Whenever the negative thoughts enter your mind (and they will), combat them with positive thoughts – such as God’s promises. For me, I will immediately begin singing a praise or worship song to distract those thoughts. We must learn to fight back and not allow ourselves to be overtaken by our circumstances. When the enemy fights you…FIGHT BACK! Pray over your marriage, pray over your home, open your kitchen cabinets and claim that they will remain full all the days of your life (Romans 4:17 “calls into existence things that don't yet exist”), lay hands on your wallet, on your bed, wherever you need to…because we constantly try to fight this battle in the flesh but it’s a SPIRITUAL BATTLE! So use your spiritual weapon….PRAYER!!!

I pray that you will no longer see yourself or your marriage as one that is defeated, live in regret, or speak (or think) negatively. God can change your negative into a positive….if you let Him!

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"It's a Process"

Definition of Process:

1. - a progressively continuing operation or development marked by a series of gradual changes that succeed one another in a relatively fixed way and lead toward a particular result or end

2. - Progress;

Any time a marriage has been damaged, to achieve healing and restoration it requires going through a process. I would be telling a story if I told you that this “process” will be easy…because it’s not at all. Actually, it’s not suppose to be. Going through the process builds character while purging anything within you that does not glorify God or negatively affects your marriage. If we are truly determined to change, for the better, then we need to appreciate the process.

There are so many marriages that are hurting and on the brink of separation or divorce because they feel like all hope is gone. Let me revert back to my marriage…all hope was gone (in my opinion). But because of my husband’s continued prayer and determination to stand on God’s promises, my heart was changed. I was now in agreement with my husband on the future of our marriage based on what God had promised us. Know that it only takes one of you to continue praying, fighting (spiritually) and believing for a change to come by way of God changing the heart of your spouse to the point they are now willing to work on the marriage. I will always be grateful for how my husband never gave up on God or us. I remember him telling me that giving up was never an option, in spite of the hurt he endured during our separation.

FORGIVE

Whether you’re the husband or wife, the one that did the hurting or the one that was hurt, you have to be willing to forgive them and yourself…that’s the beginning of the process. My husband had to forgive me and I had to forgive myself. Even this first step of the process didn’t happen overnight, nor was it easy to achieve. He had to purpose to not throw things in face, and I had to purpose to not allow the devil to continually remind me of my wrongdoings. There was a lot of “battling of the mind” we both had to endure. There were times during this part of the process it felt too hard to get through. But once your vision is no longer cloudy, you become determined to fight the good fight of faith. (1 Timothy 6:12)

COMMUNICATE

I had to be willing to answer any questions my husband had…it didn’t matter how deep the question, I had to be honest with him. We had to have an open conversation that allowed us both to express how we felt. This was a very emotional, not so pretty conversation but it was part of the process. The healing was becoming more tangible, I could feel that we were progressing after we laid everything out on the table. It was a sign of relief from the hurt and the burden. I’m not saying it instantly removed those things but it felt better to not keep it all bottled up. We’ve learned that holding it all in is a sure recipe for an explosion! The key to this step is hearing from God on the appropriate time to have this intense session. When you sit down to talk, pray first, however, if you’re not at a point where the both of you can pray together, then pray alone and ask God to lead this conversation beforehand. But whatever you do, don’t ignore this much needed step of the process!

TRUST

This part of the process seems to be the hardest one of all. You overcame forgiveness and you communicated…but this step is greater than them both. In my experience, it takes the longest to get through. Expecting someone to instantly trust you after they’ve forgiven you is very unrealistic…it’s a process that you have to be determined to endure. I became frustrated because that was my expectation. I kept wondering when he was going to “get over this” and trust me again. The blessed part is he didn’t purposely make it hard for because he wanted to trust…he really did, but he was still healing and combating our past hurts. Once we both realized that we had come too far to stop trying, both of purposed to work on trust. For me, I had to do whatever it took to get him to trust me again. And for him, he had to not allow the past to void anything that I was telling him…he had to learn to trust God that whatever I told him I was doing or going was the truth. Notice I said he first had to trust GOD, not me. In trusting God, he believed in what God had promised him as it related to our marriage because GOD was the only one to propel us into our destiny as a couple. God had to also confirm in my husband’s spirit that I had sincerely repented and turned from sin. But he had to be open and willing to hear from God as it pertained to the change within me. My advice, don’t get upset and frustrated if your spouse is still unable to trust you, just continue doing what you know to do…don’t give up. And don’t become frustrated if you still are not able to completely trust your spouse…you are healing and healing takes time. There is no timeframe on when this part of the process will end. So hang in there – God will see you through this as well!

There are other steps to the process of healing and restoration; however, these are the main ones God released me to share at this time to encourage those that are currently struggling in their marriage. I want to leave you with this…WITH GOD ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE TO THEM THAT BELIEVE! (What do you mean, 'If I can'?" Jesus asked. "Anything is possible if a person believes." – Mark 9:23 NLT)

*We are living witnesses*

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Let Nothing Separate Your Marriage

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall become united and cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”

– Genesis 2:24 (Amplified)

The Bible states in Genesis 2:24 that we must leave our father and mother to become one with our spouse. This scripture confirms that the oneness is developed when we learn to leave those that we are familiar with…not to be taken in a negative aspect because our family and friends have been there for us numerous times, but we cannot allow those relationships to interfere, come before, or between our marital relationships.

Are you still emotionally and physically attached to relationships other than your marriage? Do majority of your arguments with your spouse consist of your parents, your friends or past relationships? Do you spend more time with people of these other relationships than you do with your spouse? Has your spouse expressed their dislike or discomfort of your relationship with this person or people?

If you were able to answer “yes” to any of the above questions, it’s time for you to reevaluate that particular relationship and think about how it’s hurting your marriage. Although it may not seem like a big deal to you, you have to respect how your spouse feels. Respecting one another’s views, opinions, feeling, and morals are very important. If your family/friends love you, as I’m sure they do, they should respect the fact that your marriage is now your first priority.

Maybe your struggle does not include relationships with your family or friends. It could be other things such as, hanging out too much or distracted with other things (like video games, tv or internet, etc) instead of spending time with your mate, conversing with those of the opposite sex on social networks, going to strip clubs, being selfish-only wanting things to go your way, the use or abuse of alcohol or drugs. Whatever the situation, your spouse has repeatedly expressed their concern and it’s causing problems in your marriage. No longer can we do those things or act the same way we did before we were married.

“Strip yourselves of your former nature [put off and discard your old unrenewed self] which characterized your previous manner of life and becomes corrupt through lusts and desires that spring from delusion; And be constantly renewed in the spirit of your mind [having a fresh mental and spiritual attitude], And put on the new nature (the regenerate self) created in God’s image, [Godlike] in true righteousness and holiness.” –Ephesians 4:22-24 (Amplified)

Know that God has given you the power to overcome anything that you choose to overcome: “Behold! I have given you authority and power to trample upon serpents and scorpions, and [physical and mental strength and ability] over all the power that the enemy [possesses]; and nothing shall in any way harm you” - Luke 10:19 (Amplified)

Marriage is its self is hard work, let alone striving to become one. But we can’t give up or throw in the towel on the covenant (commitment) you made to God and to your spouse just because things get hard. Remember, marriage is the uniting of two different individuals. Therefore, it may not feel good giving up those things you were used to doing, because when you decided to marry your spouse (and prayerfully you’ve given your life back to Christ)your life is no longer your own.  Don’t change your old ways/habits because your spouse continually nags you, but have the desire to change whatever is hindering your marriage from moving towards oneness, whether it’s your unwillingness to “cut the cord” from other relationships or change your habits that don’t strengthen or bring joy to your marriage. The change must first take place in your heart.

Speaking of nagging, know that it doesn’t do a situation any justice to constantly nag your spouse. Your constant gripping only drives them away and causes them to put up a wall in which they can no longer hear your plea for them to stop or change. The possibility of them receiving what you are saying dwindles and they become defensive. So if you’ve been nagging them….STOP! Instead, pray and ask God to change their ways, BELIEVE that change will come and WAIT PATIENTLY. This is you saying that you’ve realized there’s nothing you can do (or say) that will bring about change, so you’re giving it all to God.

“Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.” –     1 Peter 5:7 (New Living Translation)

We must purpose to not allow anyone or anything separate, destroy or tarnish our marriage. I pray that you will be more determined to stay married than you were determined to get married.

Repent and ask God to forgive you for putting things or people before your marriage. Then ask your spouse to forgive you and reassure them that this will no longer be an issue - that you are ready to let those relationships (or things) go.

Now purpose to be determined – because giving up is not an option.

Striving for Oneness…God’s plan for your marriage.

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Abortion...Giving up prematurely

I pray that the transparency will help those that are in a season of contemplating aborting their marriage.

During the six months of separation, my husband and I lived in different states. For me, it was like having an opportunity to find myself again and to get rid of this relationship that I did not want anymore. For my husband, it was torture. He was at a very low point in his life. And during that time of solitude, God dealt with him on the past, the present and the future. As he began to seek God for himself, and reading God’s word, he was able to listen to God’s voice. The more he sought God, the more he allowed God to change his inner man. He had repented for all the wrong that he had done during our marriage. He asked God for another chance to make our marriage right and to bring his family back together again. There were many instances where he had to rebuke the devil because the people around him kept encouraging him to give up on his marriage. But my husband knew what God had promised him – to restore our marriage and our family.

Now because I was not around my husband during these times, I didn’t realize the change that was taking place within him. On top of the negativity that was around him, I rebuked every proposal he made for us to get back together. Nothing he said could change how I was feeling. My mission was to get a divorce. Eventually, I began to tune out all of the distractions that were in my life at that time and ask God what His plans were for my life and for my family. Every time I would hear God’s voice, I overrode whatever He was telling me with how I was feeling. I always had a “but God…”. 

One evening as I parked my car, God broke me down, I started to weep. I didn’t know or understand why, but I couldn’t stop. I could hear God telling me that my husband was the man He has ordained for my life. That He was going to make my husband into the man that I “needed” not just the man I “wanted”. What that meant was God was telling me that the man I had been wanting my husband to be wasn’t enough. He was going to make my husband into the man I NEEDED him to be. At that time, I really didn’t know what I needed but God did. The wants I had was nothing compared to the type of husband I needed. The needs that God was equipping him with would help me to become a better woman, wife and mother. But God told me there was one condition…I could not abort my marriage.

I looked up the definition of abort – it means to carry out or undergo the abortion of something. Then I looked up abortion – it means a failure to develop to completion or maturity. So in order for me to receive the promise God made to me about my husband, I could not give up on my marriage prematurely – I needed to give it more time to develop to completion and mature! This was beyond powerful to me!

Our separation was during our seventh year of marriage – we just celebrated our thirteenth year of marriage! God WILL restore and heal your marriage as long as you don’t have an abortion. We can’t put a time limit on God, but we do know if He said it, then He will do it. Stand on His word and His promise for your marriage. Don’t let the world or other people in your life dictate what you should do about YOUR marriage. Only God has the answer for you. Seek Him first about everything. If there is hurt in your marriage, then ask God for healing – whatever it is His name is above it! There is nothing too hard for God, even when you think there’s no hope. Take your eyes off of man and keep them on God. God will do just what He says He will do – He will fulfill every promise to you!

Where would my family be today had we aborted our marriage prematurely? The destiny of others are connected to your marriage. You have to realize there is a bigger picture besides you and your husband. My marriage almost ended based on emotions – how I felt. I allowed my flesh and soul to overpower my spirit – therefore, I wasn’t being spirit-led. My decisions were being led by my flesh and my soul (my emotions). Don’t let your emotions dictate your future – be Spirit filled and Spirit-led. God will never steer you wrong.

Are you contemplating divorce? What has God said to you about your marriage? Spend private time with God and ask Him for wisdom and guidance and don’t move until He instructs you. Our own will causes us to abort prematurely. Have you allowed your marriage to develop to completion or maturity? A marriage can survive through anything; it just depends on your willingness to fight for it! Don’t have an abortion!

Praying For A Change

Remember that “the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but mighty before God to the casting down of strongholds”
~ 2 Corinthians 10:4 (ASV)  

Wives, don’t constantly nag and complain about the area(s) in which your husband lacks. Husbands, don’t shut down when you become frustrated about the areas in which your wife lacks.

Instead, pray for YOURSELF and THEN pray for your SPOUSE. First, ask God to change everything in YOU that does not bring glory to His Name and does not benefit your marriage. Too often, we go to God complaining about our spouse, when most of the time there are things that need to be changed within ourselves as well.  Granted, I am in no way encouraging you to NOT pray for your spouse. I am encouraging you to pray about your spouse AND YOURSELF as it relates to seeing a change in your marriage.

Know that prayer CHANGES THINGS! The Bible informs us that some things (strongholds) require a spiritual sacrifice such as fasting (Matthew 17:21). Seek God and listen to His instructions for your marriage…then OBEY what He has instructed you to do, and do it with no hesitation. 

We must do something we’ve never done before in order to receive something we’ve never had or experienced before.

I pray that your marriage will be strengthened as you seek Him for direction!

~Striving for Oneness~

Becoming Your Spouse's Better Half - Book Excerpt

Becoming Your Spouse's Better Half - Book Excerpt


After reading the excerpt of this book, I am certainly going to make this my next read.


We seldomly focus on changing "ourselves" because we are so consumed of all the things we don't like about our "spouse". Pray and ask God to change the things within you that should be changed to better your marriage. Then most importantly, PURPOSE to allow those changes to take place.


Please join me in reading this book!


~Striving For Oneness~

Your Story

Although every marriage is unique, there is at least one other marriage that has, will or is currently encountering the same victory, joy, strife, obstacles or challenges that you've faced in your marriage. 


You realize the things you experience enable you to be a blessing to others that may be going through a tough season in their marriage.


Our prayer is that this blog is used to help heal marriages by the enlightenment or wisdom from those that overcame the various marital challenges.


Share your testimony, your experience, your questions and/or your concerns by completing the following: "My marriage..."

Restoration after an affair...is it possible?

Do you believe a marriage can be restored after it has experienced infidelity?

Share your thoughts and/or personal experience dealing with infidelity in your relationship. 

What is “striving for oneness”

    In order to get the true meaning of “striving for oneness”, we need to exam and define each word. Let’s begin with the word: striving - (v). to make great efforts to achieve or obtain something; to struggle or fight vigorously, to exert much effort or energy; to compete eagerly with others for victory. Now let’s define the word: oneness - (n). the fact or state of being unified or whole, though composed of two or more parts; singleness or wholeness; a state or condition of perfect harmony or accord; a strong feeling of closeness or affinity; union.

    Striving for oneness should be the ultimate goal of every married couple. The definitions above describe that actions must be taken in order for this to be achieved. We must make an effort in every aspect of our marriage to obtain oneness. With striving, there will come struggles and fights that you will have to endure. Accomplishing oneness will not be easy, however, with God it is possible. God's plan for marriage is that a husband and wife become one.


    Since the union of marriage was instituted by God, He is needed in order to sustain it. There are three aspects which are the basics of marriage: 1) a man will leave his parents and promise himself to his wife, 2) the man and woman are joined together by taking responsibility for each other's welfare and by loving their mate above all others, 3) the two become one flesh in the intimacy and commitment of the sexual union that is reserved for marriage. A strong marriage will include all three of these basic aspects.


    Having oneness in marriage does not mean losing your own personality within the personality of the other. Instead, oneness means you caring for your spouse as you would care for yourself . Marriage merges two people in a way that little can affect one without also affecting the other. It's a precious relationship that requires tender self-sacrificing care. You should know and anticipate the needs of your spouse.

    If you are currently married, getting married or plan to be married, strive for oneness in that relationship. Let no one or nothing destroy the union and covenant you have made to God. I cannot stress enough how being married and striving for oneness is not easy. There will be many obstacles to overcome. But both the husband and wife must be determined to not give up prematurely. Giving up, separating from one another, or getting a divorce should no be an option.

    When you find your relationship being challenged, seek God for guidance, wisdom and strength. He will equip you with the tools needed to overcome whatever you are going through. We must lean not on our own understanding but trust God. He knows the plans He has for you and your spouse. He will never lead you or forsake you, therefore, don't give up on God because He will never give up on you.

    My husband and I are living witnesses that God is a restorer, a healer, and a deliverer. He freed us and delivered us out of our mess. He healed all the hurt we caused one another and then restored us so that we can move forward and fulfill the purpose He had ordained for us. I cannot imagine what our lives would be like if God would have not stepped in when we felt like there was no hope for us and wanted to walk out on our marriage.

Reflections
  
Are you and your spouse striving for oneness? Or are you allowing the spirit of defeat, frustration, and separation to overcome you? Write down the areas in your marriage you want God to help you with. Pray and ask God to help you in each area. Then have faith, believe and declare the victory over those areas until you see change occur. TAKE AUTHORITY OVER YOUR MARRIAGE!